you're drowning, struggling to breathe
by burn my mind
Summary: you need to put yourself first, you need to find yourself first, you need to take care of yourself before all else. au season five finale.


**Disclaimer: **I own nothing.

::

_you're drowning, you're drowning, you're drowning_

::

They'll always find their way back to each other.

No matter how many times they lose hope, how many times they fight, no matter what goes on.

It'll _always _be them.

"Waldorf," His voice is thick.

"Bass." And she can hardly think.

They weren't meant to end up like _this_.

Two broken souls who broke each other even more.

::

You don't know why you're in Brooklyn of all places.

You're sixteen year old self would be appalled, she would be shaking her head and scolding you.

You're sixteen year old self wouldn't of known Dan Humphrey.

(Not for very long at least.)

You're sixteen year old self wouldn't be able to believe what a tragic mess your life had become.

"Blair?" Humphrey's voice rings, calling out to you cautiously.

Shoulders back, head high, bright smiles on.

"Yeah?" Your eyes are flashing open and looking at Dan Humphrey, your _boyfriend_.

You want to run but you have no where to run to.

(Dan Humphrey is your hiding place, you can't hide from your hiding place.)

::

Your mother offers you Waldorf Designs.

And you suck in your breath because you should say yes, you should take it but you can't.

"No." And you can see in Eleanor's eyes that she's shocked, almost hating you before she brushes it off with a cold smile.

You don't _want _to be a fashion mogul.

You don't want to be the CEO of a fashion powerhouse.

_You _want to be a lawyer, you have since you were six years old and Harold told you all about how he sent the bad guys away.

But nobody's ever bothered to ask you what you want.

(They didn't care then, they don't care now.)

::

Diary pages are leaked onto Gossip Girl.

Dan tells you to choose.

You don't choose him but you don't choose Chuck either.

You choose _yourself_.

You've pretended to put yourself first, lies about how you have to become powerful first.

But you never did.

(And it's time that you should.)

You go to the Shepard divorce party to find Dan, to tell him it's over.

You move through the crowds effortlessly, small smiles shooting in the direction of people you've known all your life.

"Have you seen Dan Humphrey?" You stop a woman flying past you, a hand on her arm, a sweet smile plastered on your face.

She looks confused, "Who?" She asks, your hand dropping off of her arm, she goes back to doing whatever she was doing.

(And all you can think about is six years ago, the same Shepard's celebrating in white.)

::

"Serena, Nate. Go get some fresh air, please." You plead, blue eyes wide. You're a _Waldorf_, you won't look like a fool.

All night the two of them have been acting like drunk idiots, not only did you feel embarrassed by their childish and reckless behaviour but you felt _excluded_.

The two of them had been dancing with each other all night, golden laughs escaping their lips as they twirl around and around. You're standing on the sidelines, eyes shooting daggers at the two _perfect_ blondes that could never do anything wrong. Chuck had been with you for most of the night, drinking scotch (secretly) from a flask as the two of you exchanged insults directed at each other and your two best friends but then he had taken off. Probably to chase down some poor girl and have his way with her before the night was over, leaving you to put up with Nate and Serena by yourself.

Serena rolls her blue orbs at you, tugging on your hand and dragging you out towards where everybody else was dancing. With a soft sigh you had followed her. Nate had followed the two of you, his lips pecking your cheek softly before he dragged Serena outside.

"We'll be back soon," He calls out to you over his shoulder.

(You weren't naive back then, you weren't oblivious to the way his eyes lingered on her legs.)

You were mildly disappointed.

Serena had _finally_ noticed you, you were going to have a bit of fun before the night was over and now the two of them are probably going to end up falling asleep outside like last time.

You pull out your phone, sending a quick text to Chuck, Kati and Is.

There was _no way _you were going to be left by yourself for the rest of the evening, drowning in your sorrows.

::

Nobody's seen Serena either.

And nobody really knows who Dan is.

"The writer?" Some of them asked her, shaking their head as no, they hadn't seen him.

You don't know what moves you towards the bar.

Maybe because this was where the wedding had been held.

Maybe because that bar on the night of the Shepard's wedding had fucked up your life so unbelievably horribly.

Your hand is on the door knob, but something stops you from opening it.

If only for a second, because you hear someone say Dan and your stomach hurts and you have a bad feeling about this-

"Oh my god," Dan and Serena's eyes shoot towards you.

You're shaking your head because Serena just needs to take _everything _away from you.

(It doesn't matter that you don't really want Dan. It still _hurts_, everywhere.)

::

You're frozen.

The two of them are dressed, thank god, but you're not stupid.

You know what happened.

"Blair," The words fall off of his lips.

Serena's mouth is open, eyes wide.

"Blair, I'm-"

You cut her off before she can start spurting an apology that means _nothing_.

You can only forgive a person so many times for sleeping with your boyfriend.

(Soon to be ex-boyfriend.)

"I only came here to break up with you Dan." You state. Dan's shaking his head, mumbling about how it's only because you _know _what happened, he's talking rapidly about how Serena _tricked _him. How _evil _Serena is.

You realize you can't really hate Serena.

You realize that even though it hurts that she would do this again.

(Again. Always. Forever.)

You don't _care_.

Your hand comes in contact with Dan's face.

"You just _happened _to fall into her vagina?" You retort, arms crossed across your chest.

"Oh, so are you saying it wasn't _consensual? _Are you implying that Serena _raped _you?" The words are flying out of your mouth, you can't stop. You won't watch as he puts down Serena, turns her into ash, makes her look evil, blame everything on her.

Your eyes turn to Serena.

Eyes huge, mouth parted, visibly shaking.

Your arms enclose around her frame.

You _understand_.

You forgive her.

"I'm so sorry Blair." She whispers again and again into your hair.

(Again. Always. Forever.)

::

"Why, why are you acting as if nothing happened? As if I'm the good guy? As if I didn't just sleep with your boyfriend?" Serena blurts out.

You don't honestly know.

You _loves _Serena.

You _only _loves Serena.

You've only ever loved Serena.

"I don't want our friendship to be ruined. Not again," You try not to think of the conversation you had had earlier in the day, the harsh way you had reacted to your best friends (true) words.

Forgiving Serena is out of character for you.

You should be lashing out at her, declaring war, hating her.

But you're _not _sixteen anymore.

And you're not going to try and hate Serena for everything single little thing.

(Small, or big.)

::

You get accepted into Yale Law.

Serena squeals with you, holding your hand, eyes wide.

She really _is _your best friend.

No amount of fights and boys will change that.

She waves you off, face beaming.

You'll see her soon enough.

::

Your room mate turns out to be your new best friend.

She's not a Serena.

(Sure, she's captivating and beautiful but she's _not _a Serena.)

"I'm Elena."

"Blair Waldorf."

::

The two of you stay up late at night, sharing secrets and ice-cream and it's the most _normal _and happy you've ever felt in your life.

And it turns out Elena's got a complicated life as well.

And it turns out that you can move on.

::

"I've told _you _all about my boy troubles but you haven't so much as mentioned a mere boy from your past. And I know for a fact that you're straight." Elena states boldly, shoveling ice-cream into her mouth as she lies stretched out across her bed studying for finals.

You swear your heart stops.

Because you don't want to delve into _your _past.

You're content about hearing Elena's struggle and conflict between two brothers.

You're content with her not knowing about how you went from dating Golden Boy to Playboy to Lord to Playboy to Prince to Brooklyn loser.

"My love life was complicated," You finally say.

"Do you wanna tell me about it?" Elena asks earnestly, honestly.

(Because some people _do _care B.)

But you shake your head anyway. Your life is a tale for another day.

::

Serena calls.

She never visits.

Nate calls.

He never visits.

Dan calls.

You answer _once_.

Chuck never calls.

And you never call him.

::

You decide you've done enough waiting, enough growing, enough focusing solely on yourself.

You decide to call Chuck.

(Because it's only ever been him.)

"Chuck?" You ask, breath hitched, because you've tried your best to avoid Gossip Girl. To avoid _him_.

"Blair, hey." And somehow you feel this sense of relief wash over you because somehow you know everything's going to be okay.

"Do you maybe want to get a coffee?" You hear yourself asking, nervously.

When have you ever been nervous?

"You're in New Haven, Blair." He laughs.

(You don't know how long it's been since you heard him laugh.)

"So?"

"I'll see you tomorrow, Blair."

::

You know your heart stops.

You know you breath gets caught in your throat.

You know that you can't breathe, at all.

(Because you're suck of waiting. You're sick of lying to yourself and seeing Chuck in the flesh is too much for you.)

::

Small talk drones on, boring the two of you.

"What does this mean?" You startle Chuck, you can read it on his face.

You weren't meant to dive straight into that question, not yet at least.

You had it all planned, _everything_.

"I don't know." Chuck plainly states, shrugging his shoulders as a light smile creeps onto his face.

::

She's surprised they even make it back to her dorm room.

She's not surprised when they don't make it to her bed.

::

"I love you," Chuck whispers pressing a kiss to her bare shoulder.

It's too much, too soon, she supposes.

But it's never really been too much, too soon.

"I love _you_," Blair whispers back, eyes fluttering close contently.

* * *

**A\N: **When I started writing this I planned for it to just be an AU season five finale where Blair decides to find herself first bc I hate how they rushed her into one relationship into another. It sucked. But it kind of swerved into different directions? It's so out of character but idec call it Blair maturing or something. Yes, I had to include Elena Gilbert in this bc she's one of the strongest female characters on a TV show and she's my bby.


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